The Public Broadcasting System
Q&A with Santa
Moderator: Welcome to all of you who have come out this rainy first day of April. Our producers tried to persuade tonight’s guest to appear last December to headline the guest list for our Christmas special but were told that he had a scheduling conflict.
Our big thanks to everyone here in Peoria, Illinois for allowing the Public Broadcasting System to broadcast, live, the final segment of our ”Knowing Your Legends” here in their fair city. Our entire PBS crew is particularly grateful to the custodians and volunteers who set up all of the chairs in this magnificent gymnasium of Peoria’s brand new high school. We also recognize students Janice Meltor and Jason Winning for setting up the PA system.
If you’ve been following this television series, you know that PBS’s purpose has been to give the public in-depth and factual information about the legends that have permeated our cultures and societies throughout time. We have been extremely fortunate to have been able to bring to our stage actual legends from around the globe. They were gracious enough to answer all of your questions even though some were very personal. Many revelations have come forth; one being that wet hair does not cause colds vociferously pointed out by Mother Nature.
The Boogie Man, Ralph Edward Boogman, stunned everyone when he disclosed that his entire family is genetically predisposed to Phengophobia: a fear of daylight and open spaces. That's why they hide under beds and in closets. The family fortune was amassed by selling, world wide, their family game Ready or Not Here I Come. Unfortunately sales plummeted 67.3% after Hasbro came out with its cheaper version (you only have to count to 50 instead of 100) they called Hide 'n Seek.
Casey is still claiming that the sun was in his eyes the whole time he was at bat. And how can we ever forget Father Time who showed up an hour late because he forgot to set his watch to daylight savings time.
We're sorry that not all of our eposodes were upbeat in nature. Lady Godiva told us that because of that one-time wardrobe malfunction she is forever banned from participating in parades, the Tooth Fairy had to file for bankruptcy and Humpty Dumpty, because of his injury, never married. He lives a sedentary life on a sunny farm with his aunt Rebecca Brooke.
Not all of our episodes were upbeat in nature. Lady Godiva told us that she is banned for life from Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade. However, she is able to earn a decent living performing at children’s birthday parties. We found out that Humpty Dumpty never married and remains under psychiatric care. He lives with his aunt Rebecca Dumpty on the family farm in Kansas.
It’s time for me to quit talking so that you can begin your questions for tonight’s very special guest. So, without further adieu…here he is…our choice to close out the series, Knowing Your Legends…your favorite person in red…in all the world…a man known by children of all ages…someone who lives in everyone’s hearts…the man who used to give coal to children…the spirit that lives in all of us…the one who lives so far away that even the airlines can’t take us there…the one, the only….SANTA CLAUS!
Santa: Thank you, thank you, thank you so very, very much. Please, please…every one…please…sit down. And thanks to everyone out there in TV land for tuning in. Oh my gosh. What an introduction that was!!! And long too. Thank you so much. I also thank students Janice and Jason for setting up the PA system and I want them to know that I still have all of their childhood letters in my scrap book. To PBS, thank you for giving me the honor of being the one to close out the series. I’m touched…truly I am. Now let’s get right to the questions. Who wants to be first? You…yes you in the checkered jacket.
Brian, a reporter from ABC TV news: Do you still have my letters too?
Santa: Of course, Brian. Next?
Reporter from the St. Louis Gazette: When were you born?
Santa: I was first known in the fourth century AD as St. Nicholas of Myra, a Greek Christian Bishop.
Reporter from Foods Galore magazine: Have you always been fat?
Margaret Turner, a woman about town: Do you always wear a red suit?
Phil Weaver, plant manager from Pittsburgh: How many toys can your elves make per shift?
Santa: What elves?
Helen: Your elves. You know…your elves.
Santa: What in the world are you talking about? Elves? I don’t have any elves! There’s no such things as elves.
Frank Bosworth from Ft.Lauderdale: We want to see Mrs. Claus too. Did she come with you?
Santa: There’s no Mrs. Claus. Really people…where do you come up with all this stuff? Elves? Mrs. Claus? I have a girlfriend. We’ve known each other since…oh I guess around 375 AD but we never got married. She sleeps over when her parents are out of town but we never got married.
Frank: Why not?
Santa: Her father forbade it. He said that I was too juvenile, had no future and would not be a good provider. He didn’t want me coming near their house so we had to sneak around.
Georgia from Atlanta:GDoes she help you?
Santa: Oh no. She's a highly sought after painter. Her work is everywhere.
Wilhelmina from Art Magazine: What would we recognize as her best genre?
Santa: I'd have to say her trim work around windows and doors.
Ms. H. H. Ferguson, reporter for the Southern Baptist News: SIR! If you were a bishop, how is it that you have a girlfriend?
Santa: I’m from the Eastern Orthodox Church wherein celibacy was not required of Clergy. By the way, Hattie, I still have your ‘thank you’ letter for the new puppy you got thirty-seven years ago.
Dr. James Thumb, noted heart surgeon from Chicago: What is your favorite game?
Santa: Playing Find the Needle in the Haystack. My best time is just under four weeks.
Kenneth Orlando from St. Paul: Hi Santa. I’m Kenny Orlando.
Santa: I know.
Kenneth: If there are no elves to help you, how can you make all those toys by yourself?
Santa: I don’t make any toys?
Wilma Louise from Cape Cod: If you don’t make the toys, where do they come from?
Santa: From you all.
Wilma: I don’t understand.
Santa: They come from you, the moms and dads, grandparents, aunts, friends. You put them under the trees. Did you actually think that I could visit 3.7 billion people all in one night? What are you people smoking?
Student Janice Meltor: Ohhhhhhh…I get it!
Brian again from ABC news: Get what?
Janice: I’ll explain later.
Henry Maniken from Denver: So that means we’re your elves.
Santa: What is it with you people and elves?
Jesus Rodriques from El Salvador: How tall are you?
Jesus: ME TOO MAN!
Elsa Stern: Do reindeer really fly?
Santa: Not that I know of. Why?
Elsa again: Well….who pulls your sleigh?
Santa: Six huskies plus my lead dog, Shorty. And it’s a sled not a sleigh.
Kevin Skinner from Texarkana: Do you have any hobbies?
William P Morgan banker: Do you like cookies and milk?
Santa: I like milk but it doesn’t like me. I’m lactose intolerant. Cookies? No…not really.
Heloise Turnbough, seamstress from Mississippi: Do you keep a naughty and nice list?
Santa: No, but I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend does.
Thomas Find from New York City: What do you think about Rudolph’s red nose?
Santa: I don’t know. Maybe he should see a dermatologist.
Alfred Perry from Paris, KY: Santa, is there one single gift that is most wanted by people everywhere?
Santa: Oh without a doubt, its an Atta-boy.
The moderator: One final question, please. We have only 30 seconds left.
Adrian Whitsel from Topeka: Santa, are you real or a figment of our imaginations?
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