So ou Want To Have a Baby
So You Want to Have a Baby
By Evan Rude, PhD.
© 2015
Having a baby is not something that should be taken lightly and should not be done alone. Consider consummation carefully. Because you will not be the only one(s) involved, you might want to call a meeting of prospective grandparents, aunts, and uncles to get their points of view. Most importantly will they be available any time, day or night for help and advice? If you have friends who have recent newborns, call them for advice. The best time to catch them is between 2 and 4 am.
It helps to make a check list of things to do. Decide whether to hire a photographer to record the delivery. Buy books on baby care. Even though you won’t have time to read them, buy two or three for your bookshelf to impress your friends. Take an online course on sleep deprivation and firm up your list of baby sitters if you plan to continue partying on weekends.
There are phrases and words you will need throughout the coming years. Most are common ones such as “Because” and “Because I said so.” Space permitting, I will cover
the “one foot stomp.” Other important issues may be addressed such as why do I need a magnifying glass and is dirt safe to eat?
Let’s begin with “Oh my Goodness! That’s beautiful. Did you make it all by yourself?” While on the surface this seems an obvious comment made by a parent to a child seeking approval for his school project. However, science has proven that such sentiments must always be accompanied by physical motions of joy, flailing arms, and most of all, hugs. If possible post it on the refrigerator. If it’s a hand print in hardened clay, display it prominently in the living room. Frightening as it may seem some people are against hand prints in clay and finger painting being taught in schools funded by taxpayer dollars.
Selecting a gender is not easy. While boys may someday earn their keep by mowing the lawn and perform other chores, they tend to break nearly everything in the house. If you live in a big city apartment no such chores exist leaving him free to spend his time playing video games, out of sight in his room. Therefore only a minimum amount of interaction, food perhaps, is required on your part. Girls will do none these preferring to pursue the world of prissy-prissy and frilly-frilly. Their ace in the hole, however, is that they cuddle better and for years longer than boys. Choosing one over the other often comes down to a simple toss of the coin.
If the coin brings you a boy, at about age eight or nine he will want a dog. There is a universally accepted sequence of words to address the request: One—“No you can’t have a dog.” Two—“We’ll see or I’ll think about it”. In either case you’ve shot yourself in the foot. Three—Now impotent, you emphasize, “If we get a dog you have to take care of it.” Control of the house is rapidly shifting from the tall people to the short ones.
Who owns the baby? Each year seminars are held on this subject in Switzerland. If medical insurance was used to pay for the delivery, the company probably has an 80% stake while the parents with a co-pay of 20% can claim only that much. However, the point often raised by parents is that no one from the insurance companies ever comes to the house to change diapers, rock the baby asleep, fix formula or walk the floor in the middle of the night holding a sick child. Therefore have they forfeited all of the 80% or a lesser amount? If it is less, by how much? The silver stake argument used by parents is that the average cost of raising a child is $245,000 to which the insurance company does not contribute a single dime. However, to assure that you have clear title you might opt to avoid insurance all together, pay everything out of pocket and use the premiums to buy a new car.
This brings us back to whether one should have a child or get a dog. A child leaves home, theoretically at 18. A dog’s life is around 12 years. Costing say $500 per year to care for a dog that comes to $9,000 for one and one-half dogs. The data clearly illustrates that the ownership of one and one-half dogs is a mere .0367% of a child’s cost. Once again a coin toss might be needed. However, if you are allergic to pet hair, you might be locked into having a baby.
Earlier I mentioned the words “Because” and “Because I said so.” Imagine your Lilliputian is about to cut the hair off the dog with your best scissors. You tell him that he can’t do that. He asks why. You say, “Because.” He asks, “Because why?” You raise your voice a smidgen and answer, “Because I said so.” Having raised your voice and you’re taller, the child should be thrown off balance. However, if his body language shows signs of recovery quickly give him “the look” and say, “This is my house and I make the rules. When you have your own kids, you can make the rules.” Because he cannot do the math he will walk away. But once he learns to add you can no longer use that argument. Then, by default, the door is open to the use of the world famous one-legged “foot stomp.” It’s most effective when done on a hardwood floor. Some people may call this dirty pool but it has never been declared illegal.
Much ado has been made about “the look.” Major book sellers, including Amazon, offer a variety of books on the subject. Prices range from $19.95 to $49.99. The higher priced ones, in hard cover, have illustrations or photos of peoples’ eyes showing a variety of individual styles. In my opinion, buying any of them is a waste of money. “The look” is instinctive and comes naturally to everyone when the time comes. Don’t worry about it; you’ll do just fine.
In summary, these 16 thought-provoking scenarios are mere grains of sand in a child’s sandbox of situations you will encounter while he or she is in your care. Limited space prohibits me from discussing other important issues such as the best prenatal music Ravel or Rap, breast feeding while teething, and what to do if you loose the owner’s manual.
It is my sincere hope that these thoughts will help you make a decision of your choosing.
E.R. PhD
About the author: With this insightful piece, Dr. Rude has taken those of us, who have been there and done that, back in time and brought forward those exasperating yet cherished moments with our kids. In doing so he made us smile, chuckle and perhaps, just perhaps, cause us to mutter, “It was worth it…I think.”
Other must-read articles by Dr. Rude include: “Tuning Forks and Astronauts,” “Ten Unbreakable Passwords” and “Reading Braille Using Only Your Finger Tips.”
Comments to: [email protected] Subject: Weebly
So You Want to Have a Baby
By Evan Rude, PhD.
© 2015
Having a baby is not something that should be taken lightly and should not be done alone. Consider consummation carefully. Because you will not be the only one(s) involved, you might want to call a meeting of prospective grandparents, aunts, and uncles to get their points of view. Most importantly will they be available any time, day or night for help and advice? If you have friends who have recent newborns, call them for advice. The best time to catch them is between 2 and 4 am.
It helps to make a check list of things to do. Decide whether to hire a photographer to record the delivery. Buy books on baby care. Even though you won’t have time to read them, buy two or three for your bookshelf to impress your friends. Take an online course on sleep deprivation and firm up your list of baby sitters if you plan to continue partying on weekends.
There are phrases and words you will need throughout the coming years. Most are common ones such as “Because” and “Because I said so.” Space permitting, I will cover
the “one foot stomp.” Other important issues may be addressed such as why do I need a magnifying glass and is dirt safe to eat?
Let’s begin with “Oh my Goodness! That’s beautiful. Did you make it all by yourself?” While on the surface this seems an obvious comment made by a parent to a child seeking approval for his school project. However, science has proven that such sentiments must always be accompanied by physical motions of joy, flailing arms, and most of all, hugs. If possible post it on the refrigerator. If it’s a hand print in hardened clay, display it prominently in the living room. Frightening as it may seem some people are against hand prints in clay and finger painting being taught in schools funded by taxpayer dollars.
Selecting a gender is not easy. While boys may someday earn their keep by mowing the lawn and perform other chores, they tend to break nearly everything in the house. If you live in a big city apartment no such chores exist leaving him free to spend his time playing video games, out of sight in his room. Therefore only a minimum amount of interaction, food perhaps, is required on your part. Girls will do none these preferring to pursue the world of prissy-prissy and frilly-frilly. Their ace in the hole, however, is that they cuddle better and for years longer than boys. Choosing one over the other often comes down to a simple toss of the coin.
If the coin brings you a boy, at about age eight or nine he will want a dog. There is a universally accepted sequence of words to address the request: One—“No you can’t have a dog.” Two—“We’ll see or I’ll think about it”. In either case you’ve shot yourself in the foot. Three—Now impotent, you emphasize, “If we get a dog you have to take care of it.” Control of the house is rapidly shifting from the tall people to the short ones.
Who owns the baby? Each year seminars are held on this subject in Switzerland. If medical insurance was used to pay for the delivery, the company probably has an 80% stake while the parents with a co-pay of 20% can claim only that much. However, the point often raised by parents is that no one from the insurance companies ever comes to the house to change diapers, rock the baby asleep, fix formula or walk the floor in the middle of the night holding a sick child. Therefore have they forfeited all of the 80% or a lesser amount? If it is less, by how much? The silver stake argument used by parents is that the average cost of raising a child is $245,000 to which the insurance company does not contribute a single dime. However, to assure that you have clear title you might opt to avoid insurance all together, pay everything out of pocket and use the premiums to buy a new car.
This brings us back to whether one should have a child or get a dog. A child leaves home, theoretically at 18. A dog’s life is around 12 years. Costing say $500 per year to care for a dog that comes to $9,000 for one and one-half dogs. The data clearly illustrates that the ownership of one and one-half dogs is a mere .0367% of a child’s cost. Once again a coin toss might be needed. However, if you are allergic to pet hair, you might be locked into having a baby.
Earlier I mentioned the words “Because” and “Because I said so.” Imagine your Lilliputian is about to cut the hair off the dog with your best scissors. You tell him that he can’t do that. He asks why. You say, “Because.” He asks, “Because why?” You raise your voice a smidgen and answer, “Because I said so.” Having raised your voice and you’re taller, the child should be thrown off balance. However, if his body language shows signs of recovery quickly give him “the look” and say, “This is my house and I make the rules. When you have your own kids, you can make the rules.” Because he cannot do the math he will walk away. But once he learns to add you can no longer use that argument. Then, by default, the door is open to the use of the world famous one-legged “foot stomp.” It’s most effective when done on a hardwood floor. Some people may call this dirty pool but it has never been declared illegal.
Much ado has been made about “the look.” Major book sellers, including Amazon, offer a variety of books on the subject. Prices range from $19.95 to $49.99. The higher priced ones, in hard cover, have illustrations or photos of peoples’ eyes showing a variety of individual styles. In my opinion, buying any of them is a waste of money. “The look” is instinctive and comes naturally to everyone when the time comes. Don’t worry about it; you’ll do just fine.
In summary, these 16 thought-provoking scenarios are mere grains of sand in a child’s sandbox of situations you will encounter while he or she is in your care. Limited space prohibits me from discussing other important issues such as the best prenatal music Ravel or Rap, breast feeding while teething, and what to do if you loose the owner’s manual.
It is my sincere hope that these thoughts will help you make a decision of your choosing.
E.R. PhD
About the author: With this insightful piece, Dr. Rude has taken those of us, who have been there and done that, back in time and brought forward those exasperating yet cherished moments with our kids. In doing so he made us smile, chuckle and perhaps, just perhaps, cause us to mutter, “It was worth it…I think.”
Other must-read articles by Dr. Rude include: “Tuning Forks and Astronauts,” “Ten Unbreakable Passwords” and “Reading Braille Using Only Your Finger Tips.”
Comments to: [email protected] Subject: Weebly